Gone into exile

Dear D,
I haven't heard from you for a long time. Thus, I decided to break the silence and write a couple of words to you.
Do you know I've gone into exile? I've always wanted to visit new places and conquer, gain, capture and reach... That's what I'm planning to do. The only thing... I wish I wouldn't go alone.

Now I'm swimming to a new land (I can see it in the distance). I have learnt a valuable skill of diving; now I'm at the point of looking under the surface and examining what lies beneath. My muscles ache but I bear it well. Surprisingly, it is much easier to breathe there. Hope I'll find my Americas soon, at least 60% of them.

Do take care.

PS I note down every step of my trip. I'm sure you'll find the place where the thoughts are being stored. You know how to look for things, don't you?

Of Fear and Men

Dear D,

I was asked about love but it is you who knows the answer. You wrote once: "YOU should be the person you do care the most. I'm not saying that there can't be anyone as important to you as you are, but no-one can be MORE."

I was thinking about my attitude towards life. I saw myself doing everything by halves, escaping from the responsibility for my words, my future, my world. Love. Dream job. Do you discern any analogy? Do you know where our cerebral anorexia comes from? We pledged sincerity to ourselves, we unveiled the masks, tore the very skin off. If we see how fragile, weak and imperfect we are, there is a chance that we will become at least a bit less pathetic creatures. But we've forgotten that no one deceives us easier than our own mind. Haven't we commited a sin against ourselves? It serves us right.

Do you know where the truth lies? Look at all these things and thoughts you're ashamed of. Stop punishing yourself, stop looking back. Don't trust yourself anymore. Trust me and I will put my trust in you ('cause we are objective only when helping the other one). And we shall become what we should've become a long time ago.

"Edward, we outlived our late youth". Damn. D, I demand to experience, survive and outlive our youth!

Love the others and hurt yourself?

Dear A,

Sometimes it seems as if we're all the same the world is the same and time passes. But we're learning. We're making decisions and observe results. Was our choice right? It's not easy to answer. I have a reason to start this letter with such an enigmatic intro.

The choice I want to write about is connected with our beloved idealism - it doesn't matter right now whether it exists or not. But what should we choose:

• hurt ourselves instead of hurting the others, or
  
• hurt others insted of hurting ourselves?
  

An example I told you today: I know that there no chances for a serious and happy relationship between me and X. I know also that X thinks the other way. Should I sacrifice in order not to hurt X? It sounds like a bit of idealism, doesn't it? I will tell the truth. I have to, because the worst thing I can do is to hesitate - not to do anything and let things go their way. I've been treated like that and I DO KNOW that it hurts. I've been simply ignored by a coward who couldn't even ask me to fuck off. But now I'm OK so let's not talk about this kind of people and let the rot in oblivion. I agree - it took a while to recover, but we both know that the results are the only things that matter. Going back to the topic, for god sake, if we can't redeem ourselves how can we even think of redeeming the others? We can only endeavour to show them the right way with a blessing of truth. In my particular example I have tell X: Sorry, I don't love you and I never will. In the other case - as Freddie sung - too much love will kill me. If I'm wrong you're allowed to reprimand me with great vengeance and furious anger.

[...] How would it be if you were standing in my shoes

Can't you see that it's impossible to choose [...]

Queen - Too much love will kill you

Hail to you, the Oversensitive

Dear D,
I am glad you were the first to start our correspondence. I am not good at beginning. As you can see, even replaying appears to be a hard task. You did it the way I wanted it to be like. So... be proud of yourself! It's alive!

Why are we always making the same mistakes, you asked. I am afraid the answer is surprisingly simple. We want them to be made. We want to maintain that the path is right but the circumstances were always unfavourable. We firmly want to believe that in the present case we will not fail... And it may come true. And maybe here lies the beauty.

Or maybe we are just a sum of someone else's experiences, dreams, views... Nothing unexpected would happen. Everything was said, everything was done. And we are just retelling the story. How much our selves are in ourselves? Do you feel it?

Some time ago I found a message, a very intimate salutation. I find it suitable for me and you.

'Hail to you, the Oversensitive
for your tenderheartedness in world’s heartlessness,
for your uncertainty among its certainty,
for that you feel others like your own selves,
infecting yourselves with every pain,
for fear of the world, of its certainty without bottom,
for the need for cleaning up your hands of invisible dirt of earth,
hail to you

Hail to you, the Oversensitive
for your fear of the absurd existence,
and gentleness of concealing of what you see in others,
for being resourceless in ordinary things and the ability to deal with the unusual,
for the transcendental realism and lack of the life realism,
for the non-adaptation to what there is but to what there should be,
for what is endless – unknown – unspoken, hidden within you.

Hail to you, the Oversensitive,
for your creation and ecstasy,
for your grasping friendships, love and fear,
that love could die just before you.

Hail, for your gifts – never used –
(underestimating of your greatness will make it impossible to notice the greatness of those who will come after you),
for that they try to change you instead of following,
that you are cured instead of healing the world,
for your divine power destroyed by animal force,
for the rareness and your paths of solitude,
hail to you, the Oversensitive.'

by Kazimierz Dąbrowski with my incompetent translation.

Forgive me the shortcomings.

Only the moments

Dear A,
Don't you think that the beginnings are always the toughest stages of... everything - the first kiss, the first conflict. This is, in fact, not the first step we take together, because we've decided to create this *something* a few days ago. It was just an idea. Then it came into life. Several decisions has been made and voila! Then I had some technical problem but today we can at last finish the countdown and proudly shout: Ignition! I realize that you may feel not fully satisfied by the fact that actually it is me who begins writing, but do remember that someone had to do this. Lucky me? I would be careful with stating this. If you feel that I did wrong - just tell me.

As I am writing this, I can hear a song playing on the radio. Only the moments make our lives beautiful - that is how I can translate one line from the lyrics. A friend of mine used to say no shit, Sherlock! when someone, especially me, said something obvious. Yes, it is obvious that what is really beautiful and important in our lives are moments. But what is funny is that fact that we realize that when these moments end... or should I write - ended and are gone forever. Well, we cry then, we are really upset indeed. Then, the people that we care about, and we think that they do, use to say that the only cure for the loss of this transient happiness is time. By the time the next beautiful moment comes, the previous one will not hurt anymore. It'll be nothing but a memory. The point is that we just have to collect all these memories, because they describe us and thank to them we learn how to live... Human beings are very strange creatures though. I can't understand why are we always making the same mistakes? Maybe I've already answered this question - I don't know. I hope someone does. I hope you do.